livid…

written by: cyn knight

day: 288
happy tuesday-ness peeps!

so i wasn’t gonna write today but i gotta get something off my chest…

i am so upset right now and so utterly disappointed that i am beside myself. i spent most of the afternoon bawling about this because i am so hurt by the actions of people whom i thought were my friends and close family.

sunday was supposed to be skylar’s BIG birthday bash with all her little friends (not that she has many sadly) and our extended family & friends.
i mailed (as in snail mail) handwritten invites (yeah the kind ya fill in – no e-vites or the likes) last week and then over this past weekend i made a facebook event page to keep people reminded. as of today only half the people had RSVP’d and i specifically asked for RSVP’s and not *regrets only* (i fell into that trap two years ago). i literally had to call, email, text and IM some people to even get a response and when i did – they were all *declines*.
some had previous engagements…
some dance recitals…
some work…
and i totally get that – but why do i need to track people down to find all this out. if i hadn’t – i would have gone on with the plans for the party & no one would have shown up.
and not for nothing – it’s a two hour party – you cannot find a way to stop by?!?! especially when we have gone out of our way to attend everyone elses events, parties, and birthdays!!!!!

the only people who RSVP’d and accepted the invite are my three girlfriends who either have a grown child in college or NO kids at all.
reeeeelllly?!?!

so i canceled her party.
and i am LIVID about it.

had anyone bothered to fucking RSVP i probably would have changed the date to saturday instead of sunday… but five days away is a bit too close for comfort and after their utter rudeness and lack of common courtesy – i ain’t changing JACK SHIT!
clearly they do not care enough about my daughter to make it even known they cannot make her birthday party which means the world to her.
so fuck ‘em!

and all i can say is that they are lucky that she is too little to really understand it all – because had they hurt her i would be on an ass kicking mission from fucking hell.
no joke!

i had already pre-paid $40 for her cake and we have all of the lion king (she is still a lion king FREAK) paper goods so i have invited brian, my aunt, uncle, cousin (the one who had to work and told me so even before i mailed out the invitations) and my cousin’s little boy who is four to come over later in the day after she gets out of work.
those who treat us with common courtesy of a proper decline i am MORE than willing to compromise with.
it will be much smaller than planned – but at least i know the people there REALLY want to be there.

i dunno what is going on in the world lately?
there is no common courtesy…
sense of loyalty…
respect…
and everyone seems to have this sense of entitlement – like the world owes them something & they just sit around and take and take and take…

i needed this glass today…

i am at my boiling point with it all and am ready to clean house. anyone i know that exhibits any of the above is hereby swept out the door!

anyone else noticing the total lack of decency as of late?!?!
or is it just me & my little fucked up world?!?!?!

lesson of the day: RSVfuckinP please!

peace, l♥ve & margaritas bloggy peeps!
xxoo
cyn

*** can’t get enough of my ass?
find me on FACEBOOK & TWITTER for even more ass!

soul searching (AGAIN!)…

written by: cyn knight

day: 287
happy i-am-the-most-lame-blogger-ever kittens!

so yeah it has been WELL over a week since i have written a word…
but in my defense – i have been über busy and nowhere near my pc as of late. (not always a bad thing either!)
plus i have been doing so serious soul searching (again, still, whatever) and thanks to that and a realllllllllly good session with my therapist (MUCH needed) my head is in a better spot than it has been since the split with brian and all the chaos that has ensued since.

i won’t bore you with all the details and psychological babble but basically her (my therapist) advice to me was to chill the fuck out.
i am putting way too much pressure on myself to be *perfect* and to snap myself out of lifelong issues that take a lot of time and work to overcome – not to mention recover from an abusive relationship that nearly broke me down for good.

angles & perspectives…

so in saying that… i am going to allow myself to recover, be imperfect, and work on my lifelong issues without a time frame/deadline in sight.
i am a work in progress and striving for progress – NOT perfection!

i am still on weight watchers & tracking & working out – but i am vowing to NOT make it my main focus. this has got to be about living first and foremost & i need to find a way to deal with my eating/weight issues, follow weight watchers AND live the life i wanna lead!
and i am sure this is quite normal for ANYONE on a weight loss journey – you have to find a way to incorporate all these new habits into day to day living – because life consists of temptations and time restraints and parties and events and holidays and drama and stress and EVERYTHING else that can derail your good intentions!

heading to a bday bash

i am even considering lowering my goal weight – (to 170 from 164) – and simply because i am struggling and 170 is something i know i can maintain. i missed my weigh-in/meeting this past friday (crazy week & weekend!) but will be there this coming week and want to talk to tricia, my leader, and get her insight on this decision.
i totally feel like i am copping out… but even @ 170 that will mean 35lbs lost on weight watchers and a grand total of 70lbs & that is nothing to scoff at!
and i am making some changes to my blog… although i am still deciding what i want to do in regards to that.
oh and i am back to bi-weekly therapy sessions… sigh!
but it needs to be done & as much as i want to progress – i need to do the work first!

so that’s what is fit to be told and going on in my little warped world.
what’s new with y’all?!?!
do ya ever feel like you need a vacation from yourself like i do right about now???
heh!

peace, l♥ve & margaritas bloggy peeps!
xxoo
cyn

*** can’t get enough of my ass?
find me on FACEBOOK & TWITTER for even more ass!

randomness squared…

written by: cyn knight

day: 276
happy HuMp DaY kittens!

so day three of getting my head outta my ass & getting back on the path i wanna be & all is well.
i’m doing phenom & feel better already.

i am doing my 30 day shred – i upped my handweights to 8lb’ers – each hand — (been wanting to do that for MONTHS) and man oh man can i feel it today. and my butt is sore! is it odd that i am stoked to have THAT kinda pain again?!?! makes me feel empowered oddly enough.

i am tracking – both on weight watchers & my fitness pal (come find me – thechunkygoddess) – which i swore i wasn’t going to do anymore – too time consumming. but for this week i am trying to stay within a certain caloric range and monitor where all my calories/points are going…

i’m drinking my water & have cut out artifical sweetners. i FINALLY found that product true lemon that i have been wanting to try & i am left a little *meh* about it to be honest.
and i cannot STAND truvia/stevia in my coffee so i have opted to suck up the calories/points and have REAL sugar. i figure the exchange is worth not having chemicals from gawd knows where in my body. and i do not mind the truvia/stevia in foods – so it works out fine.

and i have to confess that i have been eating some dairy (for a few weeks now) – so i cannot even remotely call myself a vegan. i have been feeling deprived for some time & once again i gave the vegan effort a good shot & i just do not think it is for me…
i am still vegetarian & eating clean though – that works for me just fine!

and i have been taking my vitamins and meds correctly again… i don’t even know why i allowed myself to slip up in the first place? *i forgot* is kind of a lame excuse – but that is the best i got…
and i feel a difference already.
i was always taking my meds – but i am supposed to take one pill twice a day and there were plenty of days i was downing two at once in the evening because i *forgot* to take them in the morning. yeah, they are time released and here i am doubling my dose & playing doctor on myself?!?!
reeeeeeally cyn?
cindy, my therapist, is gonna shit twice when i tell her that!

and here is a random fleeting thought…
dating.
should i or shouldn’t i?
am i ready?
am i too broken?
am i too bitter?
the truth is – i would love to be taken out and treated nicely — dinner, drinks, hot sex (yeah i went there!) – but that’s it. if i could meet someone who melted my butter, treated me nicely, picked up the tab (yeah i went there too!), had a kickass sense of humor, was fun, had no problems letting me be me & knew his boundaries – well then i would be ALL over it/him.
yeah, who wouldn’t?!?!
it’s nice to dream – realistically it’s like searching for the holy grail.

and i know bri has moved on/is dating. he *accidentally* texted a message meant for his amore to one of my BEST friends of all fucking people. and yanno… i do not care, truly. but why rub it in my face and involve my friends in bullshit that in the big scheme of things don’t mean shit!?!?!?!  truth is, i know he has been dating someone for quite some time now; a month or better AT LEAST!

whatever… it is what it is, right?

what are your thoughts on dating?
what is the proper time lapse after a nasty breakup of an LTR??
am i dreaming to think at my age i will find someone who isn’t as equally fucked up as me?
heh.

peace, l♥ve & SANGRIA (been on a sangria kick this summer thus far) bloggy peeps!
xxoo
cyn

*** can’t get enough of my ass?
Find me on FACEBOOK & TWITTER for even more ass!

monday mush vol:6

written by: cyn knight

day: 260
happy back-in-the-frickin-saddle monday blogosphere!

yup day one of super gluing my ass back in the saddle went well.

i made sure i had a meal plan & stuck to it & got my healthty guildlines in no problemo.

i re-started BODY REVOLUTION (i even scrapped the bs in the tab above and just started fresh!) and that just felt amazing and super empowering – I am definitely on an exercise *high* right about now.
BUT…
it’s crazy how two weeks of being a lazy-ass can really set you back – i got through the workout no problem, but it was definitely a wee bit harder than the last time i did it! and yeah, that kinda scared me at how quickly we can regress…
and i admit it – i REALLY miss the gym!

i drank my water (80 oz) for the first time since probably before brian left a little over two months ago… no joke. not saying i haven’t drank water – just not like i should and was before all the chaos. i had let diet pepsi re-enter my life and that has always been sucha crutch for me. but today i went cold turkey – NO diet pepsi!

my mom (and weight watcher buddy) and i made a pact today that NO MATTER WHAT – we were going to our weigh-in/meeting! i have not step foot on a scale since april 27th and i am not even gonna lie – i am terrified!

it is amazing how six months of dedication and hard work to do a complete overall in how i eat and live my life into the epitome of my ideal of a healthy lifestyle can literally be shattered and destroyed in just two short months.
really in one month – because may has just been junkfood/bad habits/lackadaisical HELL!
not that april was pretty – it wasn’t – but may was just a utter cluster fuck!

and yeah, i gave my power to the situation at hand. i let that become an excuse to just not give a fuck anymore about things that had been SO important to me. and i am just not going to beat myself up over that fact anymore. i went through a pretty fucked up thing that left my life in utter turmoil that i just wasn’t prepared for it on any level.
the demise of any relationship is hard enough – having it end like it did and with a child involved has just been ridoculously complicated & heartbreaking.
but i have digested it, become enlightened and even grieved…
now i am ready to take my power back.

in other news:
the pool was opened today! of course it was a rainy crappy day & the rest of the week is not forecasted to be much better but… THE POOL SEASON has officially begun.
yeah – i am THAT girl who loves to be outside in the sun & water!
summer is just a happier time of year in my world!

well it is wicked late & my vicodin is kicking in. weirdly i have felt more pain from my surgery yesterday and today then friday & saturday? but the vic’s help and i am only taking one or two a day.
it didn’t stop or hinder me from working out so clearly i am not dying and should be 100% by the weekend – just in time for some memorial day fun!

peace, l♥ve & margaritas bloggy peeps!
xxoo
cyn

*** can’t get enough of my ass?
Find me on FACEBOOK & TWITTER for even more ass!

funk-i-fied…

written by: cyn knight

day: 227
happy humpity humps blogorama!

i am not even gonna try to bullshit you guys…
i am in a wicked funk this week.
(i see my therapist next week — thank the freakin’ powers the be)
 the issue with brian was resolved in court today & i cannot say anything about it because he has asked me for discretion on my blog & i am just the type to oblige.
but let’s just say it ended the way i suspected it would…

and no, I am not in my funk because of that…
but I know the stress leading up to today certainly compounded the issues.
added to the stress of finances…
looking for a job that i needed like yesterday in this shit economy (i did have an interview today – which i will get to in a bit – so yes, light at the end of this fucked up dreary tunnel!)…
holding it all together with skylar who is just crushed in ways i don’t think we will ever really know as her world was ripped out from under her and being not-even-three her despair has manifested into complete & utter obnoxious lashing out in the forms of mega-tantrums…
and i am not gonna lie – i am barely and i mean BARELY going through the motions where weight watchers and working out are concerned. i am doing it – kinda sorta – although my tracking has been less than stellar and i am usually an anal retentive tracker – i just do not have my head in that game and it hasn’t been in it since all of this happened a month ago.
i need something to smack me back to reality & get me back to that kickass woman i was not all that long ago!

but i did mention that i had an interview today that went smashingly & it is actually with the company i high-tailed it away from in august!
BUT…
that company bought out another company and i actually interview with them — so the company’s new name is just a technicality at this point.
between you, me & a wall – i think i nailed it.

going to my interview...

i think the only thing that will keep me from getting the job is possibly if i was listed as ineligible for rehire – then i am just fucked & i will sock it up to *not meant to be* and carry on with my search.
BUT…
i got good vibes about it & it has been what feels like a decade since i had good vibes – so yay for that!

the interview was for a studio manager – so i would be running my own studio again & that is a whole other animal than where i was just months ago. and i will leave it at that as it’s just not professional to disclose personal feelings about people and situations in a company that ya may end up working for.

i love the company – always have!
and while the pay is meh – the bonuses and overtime will more than compensate for the meh-ness.
plus it has great bennies & an awesome employee owned stock option that kicks a 401k sideways in the tookus!
so yay for that too!
*fingers & toes crossed*

so while progress may be slow…
i AM on the right path & still have faith that this too shall pass & get better!
it better get fucking better goshdammit!

so how are kittens?
i am still the shittiest follower/bloggy friend ever – i have NOT been showing the bloggy l♥ve & i just suck immensly for that!!!
i won’t always be this lame…

peace, l♥ve & margaritas bloggy peeps!
xxoo
cyn

*** can’t get enough of my ass?
Find me on FACEBOOK & TWITTER for even more ass!

yes, i am still alive!

written by: cyn knight

day: 214
holla blogdom!

wow, i truly didn’t mean to let this much time lapse between posts… oops!

getting into the routine of being somewhere for a specific time frame is an adjustment – but i started the workshop at the DLT this week.
i gotta tell ya – i scoffed at the idea of this workshop but gisele, the woman who conducts the classes, is just AMAZING!
i ♥ her!
she has been so helpful with tweaking my resume & finding creative yet honest ways to fill the gaps of times that i have been out of work (i.e. school, having & raising skylar) – not to mention making the rest of it look so freaking fabulous.
seriously – who wouldn’t hire me?
heh.

ohhhh and gisele is a weight watcher lifetime member – teeny tiny little thing & absolutely gorgeous – you’d NEVER guess she has to work at it to maintain her weight!
she suggested I apply for weight watchers – heh, been there done that – and was stoked when I told her that I have a job lined up. but honestly – i am treating that job as an extra job – even if i worked for them full-time i couldn’t live on what they are paying,
but I want to work there for so much more than just the extra cash.

i did something similar to this program about six years ago & it was a cluster fuck. so unorganized & such a waste of time.
i am so glad this program has proved my preconceived notions wrong!

in other news:
well as i said, getting into a new routine has been an adjustment & sadly my workouts have suffered.
clearly i SUCK @ time management.
but i need to get creative with my time & learn to be more flexible – i hope to be working AT LEAST part-time this time next month – so this is good practice for balancing it ALL!

so the court process began this week – but i really do not feel comfy posting details about it until all is said & done.
but suffice to say – i am super stressed & this whole thing is just horrid.

if it weren’t for my amazing support system & workouts i would be drowning myself in copious amounts of rum about now!

ohhh & retail therapy – i am ashamed to admit how good buying clothes in smaller sizes @ bargain prices makes me feel.

l♥ve me some fun summer dresses!

sucha sucker for leopard print ♥

btw – i got a pair of pants in a SIZE 10 this week.
a SIZE 10!!!!!
i haven’t had a size 10 on my ass since 1981 when i owned a pair of royal blue gloria vanderbilt pants/jeans that my 11 year old chunky butt couldn’t fit into.
even then i aspired to get into a size 10!
now that is not to say that i can fit into every size 10 – i think i am still in that awkward in between place – but i am just mere pounds & toning up to getting there.
and if i never got another size smaller – i could die happy in a size 10!

so yeah – let’s end this on a high note: my size 10 pants!
*shakes her skinnier booty in victory fashion*

happy thursday kittens – i will be back tomorrow for sure with my weigh-in results. not sure how nice the scale is gonna be & am pretty bummed that i will miss my meeting due to the workshop. but i will be there at some point to weigh-in!

peace, l♥ve & margaritas bloggy peeps!
xxoo
cyn

*** can’t get enough of my ass?
Find me on FACEBOOK & TWITTER for even more ass!

PMS'n like a MoFo…

written by: cyn knight

day: 193
happy ides of march-ness blogdom!

so i tried like hell to sit down & actually write something yesterday – but it just never came to pass.
this week has just been off…

for one thing – i am PMS’n like a MoFo & sorry but this shit just ain’t cool.
i could eat my weight in gold all while wanting to punch something hard & cry at the same time.
so umm yeah…
PMS – you can kindly step to the left & fuck off now.

i am still tracking & back to working out daily – but i freely admit that i am not on my game this week.
such is life & all i can do is try to do better.

like i said, i am working out daily again – but i feel like my exercise is all over the place. i have no plan & it shows. i just wing it & do whatever suits my mood at that moment in time.
so this coming week i gotta plan so next thursday night i am not feeling like this…
friday: yoga meltdown
saturday: ripped in 30 – level 3 & gym
sunday: DAY OFF
monday: yoga meltdown – gym
tuesday: six week six pack level 1
wednesday: ripped in 30 level 4 & gym
thursday: yoga meltdown & gym

tomorrow of course is my weigh-in & i have no freakin’ clue what that scale is gonna say & i am not speculating because i am always wrong. but i am hoping for a wee loss – not even gonna lie.
i am SO close to goal i can taste it!
and it tastes YUMMY!

so i wanna leave ya with this coolness i found on pinterest.

what y’all think of this?
i am thinking me likey.
me like a lot!

peace, l♥ve & margaritas bloggy peeps!
xxoo
cyn

*** can’t get enough of my ass?
find me on FACEBOOK & TWITTER for even more ass!

50 lbs & friday foto dump vol: 6

written by: cyn knight

day: 187
tee gee eye eff

so instead of my usual pointless banter about how i did this week…
how i think my weigh-in will go today…
blah
blah
blah…
i wanted to share something pretty effin’ phenomenal with y’all!
but lemme backtrack a wee bit.

as you fabu peeps know – i rejoined weight watchers six months ago – my 4th time mind you. when i quit the 3rd time under the delusion i could *do it on my own* & decided to join a gym under another delusion that my membership would magically make me thinner. (funny how ya gotta actually show up at the gym for it to work…)
well i also created a sparkpeople account (purple_goddess) that i used sporadically. nothing against the site – i just didn’t stick to it.
so…
yesterday i was deleting some favorites & came across the sparkpeople account & decided to take a peek.
well imagine my surprise when i notice that my intial weigh-in when i joined the site happened to fall on march 5, 2011 – a few days shy of exactly one year ago.
and ya wanna know what my starting weight was?
222 lbs!
as in 50 lbs more than i am now – well, as of last friday at least!
i was FIFTY pounds heavier than i am now a year ago – wow!
that just blows my gourd!!!
in a good way of course.
and yeah – it took me a year to lose it – but who gives a shit – it’s gonzers!

have you guys ever had a moment like that?
where ya realize you are actually more kickass that ya thought?
heh.

okay without further adieu & tooting of my own horn…

<div align="center"><a href="http://thechunkygoddess.com/" title="thechunkygoddess" target="_blank"><img src="https://therunningredhead.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/fridayfotodumpbuttoncgb.jpg?w=256" alt="thechunkygoddess" style="border:none;" /></a></div>

i was a little outta the photo loop this week – so much going on…
but here are some of my faves from the ipod/phone.

werkin' it @ the gym

ridin' in style

skygasms

out & about

multiple skygasms

just me

retail therapy oh i love thee...

peace, l♥ve & margaritas bloggy peeps!
xxoo
cyn

monday mush…

written by: cyn knight

day: 169
happy monday musing blogosphere…

i swear i had a cool post planned for today but due to a crazy toddler keeping me up ALL night (again) – my brain is oatmeal right about now.
and not even the good kind — steel cut oatmeal…
my brain is the cheapy “just add a cup of hot tap water” kind…
in saying this – consider yourselves forewarned for utter randomness that may or may not make sense.

moving along…

@ da' gym!

so i finally got to the gym yesterday to try out the new strength/weight training routine for my biceps, back & abs – ya know; the one i bitched & moaned about a few days back?
well… first of all; it was harder than i anticipated & took me way longer than i thought. i assumed i would breeze right through it & it actually took me almost an hour to do it all properly.
i also added 20 minutes (as that was all i could take) of the arc trainer to my cardio on top of 20 minutes on the stationary bike & holy fuck is that shit hard.
seriously – i haven’t sweated (is that a word?) that hard in the almost year that i have had my gym membership!
so i recant all the bullshit i said about the personal trainer – her workout kicked my ass but good!
i am SO sore in my biceps, and upper back right now. i haven’t been this sore since i started hardcore working out back in late september!
i was so sore & beat last night that i decided to skip (GASP) my jillian workout!!!
sorry jillian… i will make it up to ya today!

i have been teetering with the thought of taking a day off (probably sunday) from working out altogether? i think i need it to keep from burning out – but i am fearful that it could push me in a direction of making lame excuses that will lead to more days off & that is something i am SO trying to avoid.
my workouts mean A LOT to me & honestly are what have kept me semi-sane & afloat during this journey many a day!
it makes me skeered to think of letting loose a little (as i am sucha control freak/obsessive type).
thoughts?

i gotta question to pose as well…
do ya’ll think it’s tacky to plan your own birthday soirree?
my birthday is steadily approaching – april 28th – and because i haven’t celebrated the last three b-days in style – i kinda wanna have a BASH this year?!
yeah i went out with friends last year (HUGE for me as i was still suffering from immense anxiety & depression & not being treated) and i had a great time. but this year i think i want to rent a nice hotel suite to either have a little pre-party or post-party (or both) before/after a cool ass night out!
i wanna deck out & just have a great time with my friends – whom i am slowly reconnecting with.

well kittens — i think i have rambled enough – so i shall leave you with these photos taken of brian @ wally world this past weekend…

stormtroppin' thru wal-mart

lukeeee -- i am your fahhhhtherrrrr!

heh – what a goober!
don’t be jealous ladies – he is MINE all MINE!

peace, l♥ve & margaritas bloggy peeps!
xxoo
cyn

*** just a friendly reminder that self-hosted blogs like myself will no longer be able to use GFC (google friend connect) VERY SOON so if ya wanna keep following along you need to do so via either adding me to your blogroll (just manually enter my blog addy), rss feed, email by hitting the *FOLLOW* button over to the right, facebook, and/or twitter. any blog updates/new posts will show up on any of the above sources!
hell – why not do it all?
heh!
i love my readers & don’t wanna lose any of ya’s!
xxoo!

pass the midol with a tequila chaser…

written by: cyn knight

day: 165
happy weigh-in eve bloggy peeps!

okay – i hafta come clean & let me forewarn ya – this may get long & ugly & totally bitchy (in the bitchin’ about shit way – not being a bitch)…

i am having a REALLY bad week & not just in regards to weight loss & all it entails – it seems like life is high five-ing me HARD right in my mug!

while my weekend away with bri was amazing – i am fixated on all the crap i ate. and oh mommy did i eat a buttload of crap!
wait lemme rephrase.
the day/night we went out was a special occasion & actually doable where points plus are concerned – but it has snowballed like a mofo from there & i am just not bouncing back to my healthy habits & here is where my obsessive fixation lies…
i am fixated to the point of where i have felt bad about myself all this week (says the girl who hosted a meme about loving yourself).
and this self-doubt/loathing has transcended into even worse eating behaviors.
old nasty behaviors that i thought were long behind me.
sneaking candy, eating things (meat & cheese) that i have made HUMONGOUS strides as a vegan to avoid, bigger than usual portions that i am not measuring & being completely complacent & lackluster about exercise.
sigh.
and it makes absolutely NO sense to me.
i had a gain last week – 1.2 lbs to be exact & usually a gain catapults me into *SERIOUS KICKASS SUPER DUPER MODE*.
but not this time?
why the fuck am i sabotaging myself?!?!?!?!
i feel derailed, defeated, & like i am in this deep dank hole that i cannot dig myself out of?!?!?!
and for the first time since i rejoined weight watchers in september – i am terrified of my weigh-in tomorrow.
but i will be there.
the one & only *goal* i have made has been to NOT quit weight watchers & to show up every week no matter what!
so my ass will be there by gawd!

and then yesterday I awoke to that mystery eye ailment that i wrote about & it somehow transformed into a NAS-TEE stomach thing (obviously it wasn’t an alergic reaction?) that had me praying to deities that i just do not even believe in & begging for their mercy.
it was fuckin’ horrid. for at least an hour i was in the bathroom losing all control from both ends & hating life! (tmi – sorry!)
but as fast as it hit me – it was over.
by dinner time i was actually hungry?!?!
really?
not that i want to starve but seriously – only i could eat mere hours from being VIOLENTLY ill…

and then bri & i had a hellacious argument/fight over the stupidest thing ever (which i completely instigated because i am miserable biznotch). i was a blubbering, swollen eyed-cyclops with a bellyache that i kept feeding.
i felt so ridiculously out of control & reallllllllllllly freakin’ sorry for myself!
(still do truth be told.)

and yeah – i am PMS’n (gee ya think?) & it sucks ass – but it’s not just that.
it’s EVERYTHING!
and clearly i am using EVERYTHING as an excuse to throw caution to the wind & do everything i have worked on for FIVE months!

i know i will get back to where i need to be – i am NOT going back to being that girl.
i am just venting & bitching as i obviously need to address this mess i have allowed myself to get into.
not to mention prepare myself for a possible gain again this week…

a tan will do ya good!

and in an effort to not have this post be all *woe is me* — lemme bitch about someone else.
i made it to the gym today to meet with their personal trainer (i use that term lightly) & it started off so good.
we talked about my current exercise regimen & my goals & she seemed to really get where i was coming from & made out this *routine* for me to follow in regards to weight training & then only showed me about ¼ of what i need to do to do said routine?!?!
she said she didn’t want to overwhelm me?
and that when i am ready to get back with her to up the routine?!?!
which whatever – but why get me all hyped about the new routine & then cut me short?!?!
and usually i am the type to say what the fuck – but with everything that happened just yesterday alone – my spunk was spunked.
so i took it like a little bitch & waited to come here and say what i really think!
(aren’t ya’ll lucky?)
i mean what can i expect – she is the gym’s resident personal trainer & her services come *free* with my membership (that i pay for so i dunno where they get the *free* from?).

but one good thing – she showed me how to use the arc trainer properly & lemme tell ya – that thing kicks your ass!!!!

no that is not my taut ass...

i was doing 3 minute intervals of alternating an increased incline & a increased resistance & within 12 minutes i felt like I needed CPR. and i can do the elliptical for 45 minutes without barely breaking a sweat so i am no slump where cardio is concerned.
so at least i was introduced to a new ass-kickin’ cardio workout!
ohh & i gotta tan in which ALWAYS makes me feel good – so two good things came outta it.

and yeah – i am a wee bit harsh on the personal trainer.
she did show me some awesome bicep, ab & back exercises which are my *trouble* zones.
maybe i am justa hormonal bitch?!?!?!
pass the midol with a tequila chaser please!

sorry to be such a debbie downer – i usually take it all in stride & try to stay positive – but even i have bad days… errr weeks!
i know ya’ll got my back & will tell me to suck it up & put my big girl panties on & i more than welcome it!

peace, l♥ve & margaritas bloggy peeps!
xxoo
cyn